


Someone Will Come Running

by CJ_Quill



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana and Zoe are good, Clueless Evan, Dissociation, Evan + trees is a bad combination, Evan is recovering and doing his best but still struggling a lot, Everyone Has Issues, F/F, Heidi Hansen is a wonderful mother, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pining Jared, Slow Burn, everyone is dealing, everyone is friends pretty much and they all really care about each other, friendship and love and being healthy and good to each other is the main point of this story, hospital visits, she still has her own issues and is dealing with them as best as she can, they're also dating and love each other, this spiraled way out of control, zoe may have been too quick to forgive
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-11-07 03:10:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11050071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CJ_Quill/pseuds/CJ_Quill
Summary: “Don't be an asshole, Jared.” Alana hissed. “We’re in a hospital.”“And that’s my fault how, exactly? I'm not the one who thought it'd be a good idea to climb a tree in the middle of a thunderstorm-”“Jared-”“-because my brain just decided to stop working for no fucking reason-”“JARED-”“-as if that's a valid excuse when the last time this happened I was trying to fucking kill myself!”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally supposed to be a one shot like my other stories but it sort of spiraled out of control so I figured it would work better as a short chapter-fic. I'm not sure exactly how long it'll be, but it won't be super long. I hope you enjoy it either way!

“You think he went home?” Zoe shouted over the wind and hail as she exited the school, Alana and Jared in tow.

“Maybe?” Alana shrugged.

“No!” Jared yelled at the same time. “He was doing that twitchy thing he does when he’s having an attack last time I saw him, he’ll be in the courtyard or something!”

“In this weather?” Alana clung to Zoe for warmth.

“You know Evan - nothing can keep him away from trees when he’s panicking!” 

Lo and behold, when they made it to the courtyard at the side of the school, there Evan was, lying sprawled at the base of the only climb-able tree, unconscious, a broken branch lying a few feet away from him.

*****

Evan had had a hard day. Classmates were overwhelming and teachers were demanding and hallways were loud and crowded and everything was just plain terrible. He was just now coming down from his third panic attack that day. He sat under a tree in the courtyard - his go-to place when he needed to calm down. His knees were hugged to his chest and he was rocking his head slowly, trying to keep his breathing steady. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay,” He murmured to himself until the seizing pain in his chest released and he could breathe again. 

Evan’s head was foggy and clouded. His thoughts were incoherent. He couldn't register much of what happened between when he started climbing and when he hit the ground again aside from his skin scraping against bark and hail pelting his back as the storm picked up. Snapping noises filled his ears. The impact knocked all the wind out of him. The taste of blood filled his mouth. His vision went dark.

*****

“Shit,” Jared ran down the hill, ripping off his jacket to wrap around Evan when he made it to him.  
Alana and Zoe followed close behind, trying not to slip on the wet grass. Zoe picked up the muddy, unconscious boy while Jared and Alana piled their jackets on top of him. They made a break for Jared’s car. Evan started to stir. He jolted when he realized where he was and what was happening, but came back down after a moment. Zoe’s arms were warm and safe and, for once, someone had actually come running. Three someones had come running. They piled into Jared’s car and Evan was crying. He was crying and he couldn’t stop. It was good crying, though. 

Jared pulled out of the parking lot. In the back, Zoe was pulling every spare jacket she could find around Evan. She wiped a bit of blood from the corner of his mouth. He fell into her arms and she swayed gently to calm him.

“What were you thinking?” Jared demanded. “Jesus christ, Evan, you’re a goddamn moron!”

“Jared! He’s worked up enough as it is!” Alana cried. “Just drive and let us handle it.”

Jared fixed his eyes on the road and remained silent, but Alana could swear she saw tears in his eyes. She shrugged it off and turned in her seat to reach out and touch Evan’s arm. 

“What happened?” She asked gently.

“I-I don’t really know…” Evan sniffed. “Everything went all f-fuzzy and I was up in the tree, a-and then I was falling again and… and you came for me…”

“Of course we did!” Alana squeezed his arm.

“We’ll always come for you,” Zoe kissed the top of his head.

“No one did last time.” Jared wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, still focused on the road. “That's why he's crying.”

Zoe squeezed Evan tighter into her embrace. He clung to the fabric of her coat as though his life depended on it. His soft sobs were muffled in her shoulder, but their sound still pierced the hearts of everyone in the car. 

Alana hadn't known at all, of course - Evan had never finished telling her what happened to his arm after that last summer. Zoe had figured it out for herself after he'd come clean. She figured, why else would he have emphasized Connor coming to get him so much if it had never really happened? Jared had obviously known the whole time.

He was also the only one who knew what Evan had really been trying to do that day.

“I'm calling your mother, okay?” Alana said, searching through her bag for her phone. 

“Okay,” Evan scrubbed at his eyes with his fists and blew his nose into his sleeve. 

Alana remained calm and composed over the phone as Heidi’s clearly panicked voice spilled faintly from the receiver. Alana assured her that they were on the way to the hospital and they would all stay with him until she could get there.

“Tell her it was an accident, she needs to know it was an accident...” Evan pleaded, reaching out to take the phone.

“He says it was an accident,” Alana relayed. “Yes, he's breathing okay. Do you want to talk to him?” 

Evan twitched his fingers anxiously and snatched the phone as soon as Alana moved it from her ear.

“Mom! ...yeah, I'm okay I think, just cold. Bleeding a little but I'm okay…. It was an accident this time, I promise… yes, you need to know that, it's important…. Zoe’s helping me calm down, yes…. I'll be okay until you get there. Yes. Yes. Okay. I'll see you soon, Mom… love you too.”

Evan gripped Alana’s phone so tightly after hanging up she decided to let him hold onto it for the time being. Zoe wasn’t holding him anymore but she kept her hand on his shoulder just in case. Jared made eye contact with Evan in the mirror for a split second. He hit the gas a little too hard when the light changed.

When they made it to the hospital, Zoe helped Evan to his feet and she and Alana walked him through the doors, each holding onto one of his shoulders and holding each other’s hands behind him. Jared walked behind, his hands stuffed in his pockets, a mask of defensive irritation plastered on.

It seemed a slow day for emergencies, so Evan was brought in fairly quickly. A few fractures and some scrapes on his arms and hands was most of it, as well as a bit of a concussion from the impact. The doctor figured Evan had had a dissociative episode after his attack and blacked out, which was why he didn't remember exactly what happened. One overnight hospital stay just to be safe and a few days of bed rest at home were sure to take care of it. 

“We might go walk around a bit,” Alana said once the doctor had left. “Will you be okay by yourself, Evan?”

“Hey, I'm not going anywhere.” Jared plopped into the seat beside Evan’s bed.

“That's about as good as being by himself,” Zoe snickered, taking Alana’s arm.

“Fuck you too, Murphy.” 

“Don't be an asshole, Jared.” Alana hissed. “We’re in a hospital.”

“And that’s my fault how, exactly? I'm not the one who thought it'd be a good idea to climb a tree in the middle of a thunderstorm-”

“Jared-”

“-because my brain just decided to stop working for no fucking reason-”

“JARED-”

“-as if that's a valid excuse when the last time this happened I was trying to fucking kill myself!”

Jared was on his feet now. Tears rolled down his cheeks and he wiped them away so aggressively his glasses nearly fell off. Alana let out a tiny gasp. Zoe’s free hand flew to her chest and she turned her gaze to Evan. The entire room collectively stopped breathing. Jared stormed out of the room.

“Jared!” Evan cried, starting to get up.

Zoe ran to push him back down as Alana followed Jared out the door.

“Get back here!” She yelled.

“No, fuck you!” Jared called back.

“Jared Kleinman, you come back here and apologize right now!”

Alana’s voice faded to a quiet echo as she disappeared down the hall. Zoe sat on the side of the bed, still holding Evan down. 

“I'm not gonna move,” Evan promised.

Zoe moved to the chair. They sat in silence for a little while, neither one really wanting to face what had just happened.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minutes passed in silence. Zoe hugged herself and studied a tile on the floor. Her arms were sore from earlier and her mind was racing. She wanted to talk, - needed to talk - needed to speak her thoughts out loud to the one person who could confirm them. But he remained silent, everything in his world closed away except for that loose thread.

“Jared!” Alana furiously trailed Jared as he sped through the waiting room and towards the door. “You are going to go back there and apologize to Evan or so help me you won't live to see another day!”

“He’s going to hate me,” Jared pushed through the door and started towards his car. “He probably already does, why wouldn't he…”

Alana caught up and grabbed Jared’s shoulder. He froze. He let Alana turn him around so he was facing her. He went to wipe his tears but Alana stopped him. 

“Jared,” Her voice was soft now. “Talk to me.”

A moment of silence passed. Jared sat on the curb. Alana sat beside him and waited patiently as he pulled himself together. He dried his eyes and pushed his glasses up his nose. He stared at the ground.

“He told me a few weeks ago. He came over one night when he couldn't sleep and told me he let go. He said me and his mom were the only ones who knew.” He wiped his nose. “He trusted me and I had to go and fuck him over.”

“I wondered what the whole ‘accident’ thing was about,” Alana murmured.

“I don't deserve to feel shitty about this, I just need to get out of his life, he’ll be better off without me.” Jared buried his face in his hands.

“Hey, hey! Jared, why do you think he told you in the first place?” Alana touched Jared’s arm gently. “He trusts you as much as he trusts his mom, and nobody is a bigger momma's boy than Evan.”

“Yeah? Well how much do you think he trusts me now?” The laugh in Jared’s voice was frantic and desperate.

“You've known him longer than anyone. You know how forgiving he is. If we could all forgive him for what he did last semester-”

“That was different and you know it!”

“-if Zoe could forgive him for what he did last semester,” Alana paused. Jared deflated - his way of admitting she was right. “He can forgive you. But you need to face it and apologize.”

Silence. Jared pulled off his glasses and hid his eyes with one hand. The tears were back. Alana kept her hand on his back and did her best to remain quiet. She'd never seen Jared like this before, but she knew he probably wasn't the kind of person who liked being talked down.

“I can’t lose him,” He breathed eventually.

“None of us could.” Alana shook her head. Jared shrugged her hand off his back and glared at her, a very specific kind of glare that wasn't exactly angry. It was more pointed, with the intention of clarification. “...oh… oh! Oh my god!”

Alana clapped her hands over her mouth as it dawned on her just what Jared meant. She mentally slapped herself for not noticing sooner. It was fairly obvious, now that she thought about it. He’d always looked at Evan the same way she looked at Zoe.

“Yeah.” Jared ran a hand through his hair.

“I-I didn't know, I-”

“Yeah, I’d kinda like him not to know. Or anyone.” Alana zipped her lips shut and patted Jared’s shoulder. He rolled his eyes but gave a tiny gap-toothed grin. “You’re a pretty good friend, ‘Lan. Oh, sorry, acquaintance.”

“You can call me a friend, if you like!” Alana bounced excitedly. “Can I call you my friend?”

“Sure, why not?” 

Alana clapped her hands and beamed, letting out a happy squeak. 

****

Zoe had run out of things to think about. No matter how she tried to distract it, her mind kept dragging her back to Jared’s outburst. Evan was right there, right next to her, and she needed to ask him. She knew it wasn't appropriate, and part of her was screaming to keep her mouth shut, but the other part of her was stronger. She had to know.

“Is it true?” She turned in the chair to face him. 

“Of course it's true,” Evan was pulling at a loose thread in the stitching of the bed sheet. “Why else would I lie so much about it?”

“Evan,” Zoe reached a tentative hand out towards her friend. “I forgave you a while ago, you know that.”

Evan didn't respond. He trained all his focus on the loose thread. He probably hadn't even heard her. Every now and then, when a situation became too much to emotionally handle, he'd shut himself down entirely. Zoe pulled her hand back.

“I really didn't know you at all when we first met, did I?” She asked, not caring much for an answer. “I didn't know anything.”

Minutes passed in silence. Zoe hugged herself and studied a tile on the floor. Her arms were sore from earlier and her mind was racing. She wanted to talk, - needed to talk - needed to speak her thoughts out loud to the one person who could confirm them. But he remained silent, everything in his world closed away except for that loose thread.

Fortunately for Zoe, she wasn't left alone for too much longer. Heidi Hansen rushed through the door, Alana and Jared close behind. Jared leaned against the doorframe, keeping his eyes trained on his own feet. Alana stayed near him, watching Heidi run to her son.

“Evan!” She took his hand and squeezed it tightly. “They told me you’ll be fine, it's just a little concussion. How do you feel?”

Evan seemed to come back to reality slowly. His hand dragged itself limply away from the loose thread to rest on top of his mother’s. He blinked and breathed in, long and deep, then shook himself as though he'd just woken up from a long nap. He looked at Heidi, then back at his friends, lingering on Jared an extra few seconds, then back at Heidi. Then down at his lap.

“I feel shitty.”

“Oh, honey,” Heidi pulled Evan into her embrace. “We’re all here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enter Heidi! Angel woman, Mother of the Year... I love Heidi. Next chapter should be soon-ish! Hit me up with comments if you liked this one!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan thought about yelling. He thought about what he'd say - probably nothing Jared wasn't already thinking. He imagined the commotion that would draw the doctors in and probably end with him crying. Sure he was upset, but the catharsis of yelling wasn't worth all that. So he sat there, huddled into himself, wishing the whole situation would just go away by itself.

It was getting late. The sun was on its way down. The Murphy’s had come to pick up both Zoe and Alana a while ago. Jared remained, pacing in and out of the room every now and then, not yet having said a word. Heidi stayed by Evan, working to keep a conversation going. She was going to have to leave for class soon, and she knew once she and inevitably Jared had gone Evan was going to be alone in the hospital for the rest of the night. An experience she knew her son  _ hated.  _ She wanted to keep him company as long as possible, and a lot of the time that transformed into talking his ear off.

“They have my prescription here, I’ll take it in the morning.” Evan had just interrupted his mother mid-tangent to put her concerns about his medication to rest.

Heidi nodded, stealing a glance at the clock. She was going to be late if she didn't head out now.

“Okay, good. Now I know I have to leave, but do you want me to get you anything first? Anything from home? I could probably smuggle in some takeout for you if you want something to eat…?”

“I'll be okay, Mom. Promise.”

“If you need  _ anything _ , call me. Anything at all.”

“I will.”

“I love you, honey.” Heidi squeezed Evan’s hand and ruffled his hair.

“Love you, Mom.”

Heidi hugged her son one last time despite his embarrassed squirming and headed for the door. She paused by Jared on her way out and said something Evan couldn't quite hear, then she’d gone. While Evan fixed his hair, Jared sauntered slowly from the doorframe to the now-empty chair and sat down.

“You really are such a momma’s boy.” He teased.

Evan shrugged. Jared rubbed the back of his neck, trying to think of what to say. He'd avoided it long enough, and now they were alone for who knows how long. He remembered when Evan had come to him after their fallout last semester. It was near the end of winter break, after the new year, and the Connor Project had officially lost all its momentum after the Kickstarter goal was reached. 

****

Three sharp, quick knocks on the front door. One hesitant half-knock and then silence. Two doorbell rings as Jared was dragging himself to answer. He opened the door excruciatingly slowly on purpose, since the one disturbing him was clearly in some kind of rush, only to find Evan waiting for him, chewing frantically on his thumbnail.

“Jared! Hi!” Evan jumped. Jared was so smitten by the other boy’s nervous, crooked smile he had to remind himself he was angry. “I-uhm… can I… can I talk to you?”

“What do you want?”

“I'm sorry, you're probably busy, I just…” Evan started cracking his knuckles anxiously. “I’ve done a lot of really shitty things and I'm trying to make up for it… if you don't want to talk to me ever again I understand but I need to  _ try _ ...”

“Evan, it's freezing and I'm not wearing pants. Get to the point.”

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry I dragged you down with me, I'm sorry I treated you like shit, I'm sorry for  _ everything.  _ It's… it's all over now and you don't have to be around me anymore… I'll tell my mom we still hang out so you won't lose your car, I just… I need you to know that I'm-”

“Sorry?”

“Y-yes.”

“I accept all your apologies.”

“...really?”

Jared rolled his eyes and stepped to the side, gesturing for Evan to come inside. He pulled the screen door shut so the cold wouldn't follow him. Evan stood in the entrance, fiddling with the ends of his jacket, eyes flitting around from Jared to the floor to the couch to the ceiling to Jared again and to his own hands. Jared grabbed the taller boy’s shoulders and yanked him into probably the world’s most awkward hug. It became only slightly less awkward when Evan hugged back, because Evan actually knew  _ how  _ to hug.

“You’re my only friend, you asshole,” Jared said, breaking away. “You’re not getting away that easy.”

Evan grinned. His eyes gleamed. Jared felt himself start to smile as well before the gleam in Evan’s eyes started to travel down his cheeks.

“Don’t cry, Evan,” Jared warned. “If you start crying I'm gonna cry too and then you'll only cry harder and it'll be a mess.”

Evan laughed. Jared’s heartbeat sped up so fast he could've sworn it kicked up dust.

****

Jared shook himself back to reality. Evan was still sat up in the bed beside him. Humming to himself and swaying gently with his eyes closed. He looked so peaceful. So serene. Jared loved him. Jared loved him a lot. Hesitantly, he whacked the mattress with the back of his hand and snapped Evan out of his daze.

“Ga-ah!” Evan flailed so wildly he nearly fell off the bed.

He righted himself and pulled his knees up to his chest, hugging himself tight. Jared hated himself for disturbing the peace. Leave it up to him to ruin everything good.

“Hey, uh,” He started, pulling his hand back. “I'm sorry. About earlier. I was freaked out and you know me, I can't ever shut my fucking mouth.”

“It's okay.” Evan said flatly.

“It's really not. You trusted me and I fucked you over because I’m a moron who can't deal with his own emotions like a normal fucking person.”

“They were going to find out someday anyway. Might as well get it out of the way now.”

“They should have found out from  _ you,”  _ Jared started to work himself up again. “When  _ you  _ were ready to tell them.”

“Well they know now, so it doesn't matter anymore. Can we maybe not talk about it?”

Jared fumed. He wanted Evan to be mad. He wanted Evan to yell at him, to blow up the same way he had months before. This time when he actually deserved it. He could tell Evan wanted to be mad, too. His shoulders were hunched and the bottom half of his face was hidden in his knees. His eyes were dark and fixed on a stain on the wall directly across from him - it was a little known fact that Evan looked down when he was sad, to the sides when he was anxious, and straight ahead when he was angry. 

“You can’t fool me, Hansen, I’ve known you my whole life. I know you’re pissed.” 

“I'll get over it.”

“You'll get over it faster if you yell at me.”

“I don't want to yell at you,”

“Yeah, you do. Everyone always wants to yell at me.”

“Maybe I want to yell at you a little bit.” Evan’s eyes turned down. “But I won’t.”

More silence. Evan thought about yelling. He thought about what he'd say - probably nothing Jared wasn't already thinking. He imagined the commotion that would draw the doctors in and probably end with him crying. Sure he was upset, but the catharsis of yelling wasn't worth all that. So he sat there, huddled into himself, wishing the whole situation would just go away by itself. 

“Sometimes I miss when I could pretend I didn't care.” Jared spoke suddenly. “It was easier that way. You didn't trust me with bombshell suicide attempts because you thought I hated you. I could be emotionally constipated in peace.”

“I was in a bad place when I told you, I-I shouldn’t have put that… that burden on you.”

“You shouldn't have to worry about being a  _ burden  _ with me, that's not how best friends are supposed to be _ ,  _ I just  _ suck- _ ”

“Y-you don't suck, Jared-” 

“-because no one’s ever trusted me before and I didn't know… I don't know how to handle that responsibility. Ever since that night I've been so scared you'd try again and then  _ this  _ happens and I freak out because I  _ can't  _ lose you, I can't even  _ think  _ about losing you...”

Jared scratched his nose. He leaned his head on one hand and studied the nailbeds of his other intently. He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to face Evan, who had emerged from his one-man huddle and was now sitting on one end of the bed, one leg folded under the other, which hung off the edge. Both legs tangled up in the sheets. His eyes were soft and his smile was small but genuine. Crooked and unsure, but still genuine. Jared felt his face grow hot.

“Can we pretend I didn't just say all that?”

“I forgive you,” Evan said quietly. “It's over with now, so we can just leave it alone.”

“You’re sure?”

Evan nodded. “Thanks for… caring about me… and stuff…”

“Yeah, well, don't tell anyone.” Jared smirked. 

It was late. Nurses came in every now and then to make sure everything was alright. The sun finished its journey down eventually and the moon took its place. The stars sparkled through the window, which Evan stared through as he fell asleep listening to Jared talk. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sweet resolution! Next chapter coming soon; and I see a wrap-up in the near-ish future! Hit me up in those comments if you enjoyed!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I didn't know, I didn’t… I didn't realize it was happening but I'm… forgetting things and the things I do remember don't… don't feel right, it doesn't feel like I'm actually there, I just feel hazy and lost and like… like none of it is real, like I’m… like I’m not a real person.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote this entire chapter and honestly I feel like this is much, much better. Warning for some hallucination at the end.

_ Falling. Falling. Falling. _

_ The ground grew closer. The panic returned. Wind whipped against his flailing body and forced tears from his eyes as he fell. This was going to hurt. He braced himself for the impact. He deserved this. He hadn't even written a letter. _

_ Die. Die. Die.  _ Die.

Evan awoke with a jolt, thrashing a bit before realizing he was not, in fact, falling to his death and was instead safe in his hospital bed, squeezed into himself, huddled under cool, clean sheets. He pulled out of himself and tried to relax his tightened muscles. He gasped for air. A shadow in the dark stirred nearby.

“Y’okay?” Jared’s mumbled, sleepy voice was a warm light in Evan’s dark, feverish panic.

“Mm,” Evan rubbed his eyes and squinted to try and make out even just a vague outline of his friend. He reached out and felt around, accidentally jabbing at what he assumed to be Jared’s cheek. “Sorry,”

Jared brushed Evan’s hand away from his face, only to find himself now trapped in the other boy’s grip. Evan folded Jared’s hand in his own, hugging tight to his arm and pulling it close.

“What’cha doin’, Ev?” Jared blinked sleepily.

Evan didn't respond. He was too exhausted to worry or explain himself. He needed something to hold to help him get back to sleep, and Jared was the closest something. Fortunately it seemed Jared was too tired to question or object, instead shifting to lay his head on the edge of the bed so Evan could hold his arm. Evan looked at him for a moment before scooting over, leaving enough space on the bed for Jared to pull himself all the way on, which he did after a minute of inquisitive looks.

“There's room,” Evan mumbled, turning his face into the pillow. “You shouldn't have to sleep in the chair…”

Unsure of whether or not he was dreaming, Jared slid his right arm underneath his head and went back to sleep. Evan still hugged on his left, but he wasn't complaining. Evan squeezed his eyes shut, and with a few practiced deep breaths in and out, he managed to fall back asleep.

*****

It was a blur, all of it. A hazy, fuzzy blur. Evan remembered bits and pieces, maybe a collective 20 minutes of the last few hours he’d spent in that hospital room before his mother had come to get him. He remembered releasing Jared’s arm that morning, and how Jared seemed to throw himself out of the bed in a panic the second he woke up. He remembered Zoe and Alana bringing him a gift - a little bamboo plant that he now gripped tightly in his hands to try and keep himself grounded. He thought he remembered crying a little bit. Feeling Zoe’s arms around him. Other than that it's mostly just static. He felt uncomfortably unaware.

_ Conversations,  _ he thought.  _ We talked. What did we talk about? Something about a chair. Maybe spoons. My throat hurts. Alana left early. When did Jared leave? When did Zoe? What did we talk about before Mom came? _

Memory gaps were a bad sign. Evan pulled a deep breath in. It caught.

“Evan, honey?” Heidi glanced at her son. “Did you hear me?” 

“I… um…”  _ No.  _

“I took off work for the next few days, so I’m all yours! Anything you want to do!”

Heidi grinned and leaned over, pressing gently into her son’s side. Evan’s smile was weak. His eyes were tired. He seemed a million worlds away. The smile fell off Heidi’s face. She sped up her drive. She pulled into the driveway and rushed around to the passenger’s side as soon as she was out of the car to help Evan out. He gripped his bamboo plant so tight his knuckles had turned white. His knees buckled under him as he stood. His breathing was harsh and heavy.

“Evan-!” Heidi struggled to hold him upright. 

They stumbled through the door and to the couch. Heidi pried the small pot out of Evan’s hands and placed it carefully on the coffee table. She felt his forehead with the back of her hand - no temperature. His breathing was still heavy and his hands were clammy and his entire body shook violently. 

Heidi knew Evan’s panic attacks. She'd been helping him breathe through them since he was little. She knew how his chest seized up, how his muscles would tense, how his hands would tremble, how his voice would go all over the place or disappear entirely. 

Evan’s panic attacks were like his body was working in overdrive. Like it could feel itself malfunctioning and was trying to work itself twice as hard to compensate. This one was different. Like Evan’s body had given up entirely, like it was broken, running on a dead battery and he was fighting desperately to make it work.

“M-mom,” He stammered, fingers scrabbling against the fabric of the couch. He tried to hold onto something, but his hands wouldn't close tight enough.

“Shh, shh,” Heidi opened her arms and let Evan fall into her. She swayed and stroked his hair. “Try to relax. I’ve got you. Deep breaths, honey.”

In, 2, 3, 4, out, 2, 3, 4… In, 2, 3, 4, out, 2, 3, 4… 

Evan matched his heavy, shallow breathing to his mother’s. He could feel her gentle, steady heartbeat. That combined with her swaying managed to calm him down enough for his brain functionality to return. He stopped shaking. Breathing slowly became less of a fight. The hazy fog in his head started to dissipate. His hands came back under control.

_ Your name is Evan Hansen. You are 17 years old. You just came home from the hospital after throwing yourself from a 30-foot tree and breaking your… _ No, that was wrong.  _ There was a storm. You blacked out. You fell. It wasn't as bad this time. _

“Keep breathing. I've got you.” Heidi whispered soothingly.

_ Memory gaps. Brain fog. Panic attacks. _

Evan’s finally cleared mind raced through the past couple of weeks. It had been off, it had all been off, but he hadn't registered it until now. How much of the past few weeks he couldn't remember, feeling lost in some kind of numb, uncomfortable haze. 

_ Dissociation. _

Evan felt his breath catch in his throat again. Something about that word, something about how perfectly it described what his mind was doing to him made him feel sick. Throw-up sick. He swallowed thickly, attempting to push it down.

In, 2, 3, 4… out, 2, 3, 4… 

“I think…” He breathed, voice soft and strained and exhausted. “I think there’s something… something wrong. With- with me.”

“There's nothing wrong with you, honey.”

“No, no, I mean…” Evan pulled back and tapped the side of his head. 

“Oh... “ Heidi nodded. “Do you think it might be your concussion? They said it isn't that bad, maybe they should've kept you for another night…”

“It- it started before, actually… a few weeks before… I-I think it’s-”

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“I didn't know, I didn’t… I didn't realize it was happening but I'm…  _ forgetting  _ things and the things I do remember don't… don't feel  _ right,  _ it doesn't feel like I'm actually  _ there,  _ I just feel hazy and lost and like… like none of it is real, like  _ I’m…  _ like I’m not a real person.”

Evan pushed a hand through his hair. Heidi stared into his eyes, trying to read him. She held out her hands, palms up, and squeezed tight when Evan took them. She held both his hands in one of hers, the other moving to his cheek. 

“You’re real, Evan,” She promised. “You’re real, and I’m real, and you’re here with me right now. This is real, I swear.”

Evan sniffed. His mind was clear. His body felt steady and grounded, anchored by his mother’s reassurance. A small laugh escaped his throat and he felt himself start to cry, but calmly. Happily. Heidi smiled, brushing his tears away with her thumb. She reached up to kiss his forehead softly.

“I'm going to make an appointment with Dr. Sherman, okay? He’ll know how to help with this.”

Evan nodded. “Okay.”

“When do you think it started?” No response. “You've gotta tell me.”

“Late January, maybe… after everything calmed down.” Evan shrugged, looking down. 

“Evan, that was over a  _ month _ -!”

“I don't know for sure!” A defensive cry. Heidi nodded and waited for him to continue. “I was doing better, I remember, after Jared and I made up, but… I don't know, the guilt was still… still there… and it is now, I don't think It’ll ever go away, but after Zoe forgave me, I think… I started feeling  _ empty,  _ and I don't know why, and then I think I started forgetting things because there's a lot of gaps… a lot of gaps in the last few weeks.”

Heidi nodded. “They said at the hospital you might’ve blacked out before you fell.”

“Yeah, that’s… that's what happened. Earlier today at the hospital, too, I don't remember a lot.”

“I ran into Jared on his way out when I got there, he said you'd been sort of in-and-out. Hey, he apologized to you, right? I heard about what he said, I talked to him, did he-”

“Y-yeah, he did. It's fine, we’re fine.”

“Good, good.” Heidi slipped an arm around her son and pulled him close, pressing a kiss to the side of his head. “I'm going to call Dr. Sherman. Schedule you in for tomorrow. Think about what you want for dinner, alright?”

“I love you, Mom.”

“I love you, too, honey.”

Heidi got up and headed for the other room, leaving Evan on the couch by himself. He ran his hands up and down the upholstery, focusing on the sensation. He could feel it, so it was real. It kept his head clear. He picked up a throw pillow from the floor and hugged it to him. He shut his eyes and rocked his head gently from side to side. Now that the fog was gone he tried to think of anything he could grasp from that morning. 

**Jared was there.**

His fingers dug into the pillow. That voice was not his own.

**Jared was there, in your bed.**

Evan felt his heartbeat quicken. He'd stopped hearing Connor months ago. Connor had gone with the Connor Project, he couldn't be back. Evan opened one eye and there he was. The ghostly projection his mind had conjured up to torture him, back when he was still tearing himself apart from the inside out with guilt.

**He was there until he woke up, and then...**

What was he doing back? It was over, it was done with. Evan’s thoughts were his own.

**He threw himself out of that bed like it was on fire, Evan.**

Evan shook his head. He grasped tighter to the pillow, focusing only on what he could touch. The pillow, the couch, the coffee table, his plant on the coffee table, the TV remote, his own face, all of it tangible, all of it real. He couldn't touch Connor. Connor wasn't real. 

_ Connor isn't real. _

**You shsnvbbhnmmmnbvnmm…**

Connor’s voice muffled and slurred as he vanished. Evan breathed a sigh of relief and leaned back. He’d never felt in control of his own mind before. He reveled in the contentedness of that control and tried not to think about what Connor had been saying. 

His phone vibrated under his leg. He pulled it from his pocket and glanced at the caller ID.

_ Jared. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK SO!! This story is very much going further from where I thought it would. I have too many ideas to end it anytime soon, so I edited the tags to reflect that. I hope you all continue to enjoy this, because I'm pretty fond of how it's turning out, I won't lie.
> 
> Also, a note about my portrayal of Evan: I'm doing my best to keep him as in-character as possible, but a lot of how I write his anxiety, particularly his panic attacks and more recent dissociation, is projection from myself. I appreciate feedback on every account, so if anyone - ESPECIALLY EVAN - seems ooc to you, please don't hesitate to let me know and give me any pointers you might have.
> 
> Thank you for reading! <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Zoe and Alana were together, when it was just the two of them and nobody else, their problems may not disappear entirely, but they didn't feel nearly as big.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOOPS it's a detour chapter! I hope you're ready for some Soft Sapphics with a side of Jared being a smitten dork.

_ JaredK: lans  _

_             u gotta help me _

_             lans im gay _

_ AlanaB: Keep preaching to that choir Jarbear *thumbs-up emoji* _

_ JaredK: dont call me that omg _

_             question _

_             does sharing a bed mean smth <buds _

_ AlanaB: Potentially?? _

_             Why _

_             OMG DID U AND EVAN SLEEP TOGETHER _

_             In the same bed I mean!! _

_ JaredK: ON THE NOSE LANS _

_ AlanaB: OMG _

_             OMG THAT'S SO CUTE _

_ JaredK: WHATD IT MEAN THO _

_             HE WAS HALF ASLEEP _

_             AND LIKE BRAINDEAD ALL DAY _

_             IDK _

_ AlanaB: He wasn't brain dead _

_             He was zoned out there's a very big difference _

_             It was probably his concussion or something _

_ JaredK: ok ok fair _

_             but still _

_             u got the Gay Love u gotta help me _

_             is that a friend thing or _

_ AlanaB: Jared omg _

_              Friends do share beds sometimes yes _

_              It depends on the context I think _

_ JaredK: shit _

_ AlanaB: Hey hey no wait _

_             U know what I did when I didn't know if Zoe liked me back or not _

_ JaredK: did u die _

_ AlanaB: I didn't die no _

_             I talked to her!!!! _

_ JaredK: …. _

_             guess ill die _

_ AlanaB: U gotta talk to him sometime!!! U know if he does like u back he’ll never make the first move!!! _

_             Plus I'm not good @ keeping secrets!!!! _

_ JaredK: im digging my grave as we speak _

_ AlanaB: Omg _

_             Oh I g2g _

_             Zoe’s here _

_             Date night _

_ JaredK: what no u cant abandon me in my time of need _

_ AlanaB: Talk to him!!!!! *sparkly heart emojis* _

_ JaredK: lans _

_             lans come back _

_             i can see u reading these!! _

_             ive been abandoned _

_             top 10 anime betrayals _

*****

Alana grinned at her phone before shutting it off and sticking it in her coat pocket.

“Who was that?” Zoe asked, slipping her hand into Alana’s and lacing their fingers together.

“Jared.” Alana grabbed her purse off the table.

“Ah,” They both headed out the front door. “He sends me a lot of memes, mostly.” 

“Me, too. Where does he find them all?” 

Zoe shrugged and opened her car’s passenger side door for her girlfriend. “It's a mystery. You want the aux cord?”

“No, I love your music.” Alana reached up to kiss Zoe’s cheek before sliding into the car. 

Zoe blushed and smiled her sweet, perfect smile. She circled to the driver’s seat and climbed in, buckling her seatbelt and quickly working to untangle all the knots from the auxiliary cord before plugging it into her phone. She opened her date night playlist and passed her phone to Alana, who picked out one song and let it play through on shuffle. 

As they drove, Alana leaned her elbow against the door and rested her chin on her hand, turned ever-so-slightly so she could switch between watching out the window and looking at Zoe. She ended up looking at Zoe for most of the ride anyway.

Love was a fascinating thing. It could fill so many empty spaces, and had, for Alana. It could make some things feel small and insignificant, while making others feel monumental. And it had, for Zoe. Neither of them ever felt more whole or at peace than when they were together. No place felt safer for either girl than the other’s arms. They adored each other so much.

At the same time, however, love couldn't fix everything. Zoe was still angry, still sad. She still flinched when someone moved towards her too fast or raised their voice too harshly, and every now and then when she was alone she still locked herself in her room and screamed until her throat caught fire. Alana was still anxious. She still yearned for a stronger connection, still busied herself with extracurriculars and community work, plagued by the terror that if she vanished completely it wouldn't make a difference. 

Strangely enough, that was the beautiful thing about it. Nothing was gone, not entirely, but it almost didn't matter. When Zoe and Alana were together, when it was just the two of them and nobody else, their problems may not disappear entirely, but they didn't feel nearly as big.

Zoe could envelop herself in Alana’s arms, nestled safe in her hold, and feel truly loved. Truly, finally able to put her trust in someone. For the first time in years she fully believed she was putting her trust in someone who genuinely cared for her. Someone who wasn't going to suddenly rip it all away or reveal it had been some act. 

Alana could gaze into Zoe’s deep, warm, caring brown eyes and feel her worries fall away. To her, Zoe’s eyes were the eyes of someone genuine - someone who said they loved you, said you mattered to them, and meant it. When she looked into those eyes she knew that she was important, because if she mattered to Zoe Murphy, she mattered to her whole world.

And that was a fascinating thing.

“I love you so much,” Alana murmured, gazing at Zoe in the retreating sunlight.

“I love you, too,” Zoe glanced to lock their eyes for a moment before turning back to the road. If she looked any longer she might never be able to look away. 

She pushed a little harder on the gas, wanting to make it to their destination as quickly as possible so she could pull Alana close and kiss her until the rest of the world fell away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was mainly for characterization and relationship analysis, because who doesn't love complex girls in love? The texting bit is also kind of a teaser/explanation for what's to come. 
> 
> Hit me up in those comments if you enjoyed! Thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared was an aggressive kid who got angry and punched the terrified little boy who tugged on his shirt and seemed far too fascinated by the ground.

_ Coolest Lesbian: Talk to him!!!!! _

Jared rolled his eyes at his last received message before Alana betrayed him. Talking to Zoe might have been easy for Alana - the two of them had a relatively normal friendship before they started going out. Things might have improved between them after their whole incident, but Jared and Evan were both very aware that they still had an incredibly odd and strained relationship. Theirs wasn't necessarily the kind that was likely to transition into something else very easily.

Hell, for the vast majority of their time knowing each other, Evan had been convinced that Jared hated him. Jared figured that could be chalked up pretty evenly to both his own emotional constipation and aggressive behavior as well as Evan’s anxiety. No, no, it was mainly his own behavior at fault in this case. But for whatever reason Evan had still stuck around for over ten years, giving Jared chance after chance after chance despite Jared never seeming to improve. He'd really thought the Connor Project had been the last straw. He’d thought that was it for them, but then came Evan again, begging for forgiveness even though the most he'd even really done to Jared was yell. 

Jared knew he didn't deserve Evan. He'd always known it, he thought, deep down, even since they first met. He remembered punching Evan the day they first met, because Evan wouldn't look at him, wouldn't speak loud enough. Jared was an aggressive kid who got angry and punched the terrified little boy who tugged on his shirt and seemed far too fascinated by the ground. Every time he remembered that he remembered just how much he didn't deserve Evan. Not as a best friend and  _ especially  _ not as a boyfriend.

But goddammit if he didn't still want him. 

“Ughhhh,” Jared groaned, rolling onto his stomach and pressing his face into his mattress. “Just fucking do it, you idiot, what’s the worst that could possibly happen?” 

_ Lots of things. Lots of terrible things could possibly happen. _ Jared pushed himself up and shook his head, refusing to let himself think of any of those possible terrible things for longer than a second. Alana said it was worth it, so it was worth it. He grabbed his phone and found Evan’s contact. He called and waited as it rang.

No answer.

Minutes passed.

A call back.

“Evan?” Jared sat up.

“Yeah, it's me. Sorry I didn't pick up, I, uh… I meant to but I panicked and stared at the phone too long so when… when I went for it I’d already…”

“It's cool. So how’s… How’s stuff? You get home okay?”

“I did, yeah. Did you? Get home… okay…?” Evan trailed off awkwardly. “Y-you don't have to answer that. Dumb question.”

Jared smiled. “You sound better. More  _ here,  _ I guess. If that makes sense.”

“It does.” A pause. “I'm sorry, I… can I… can we hang up? Phone calls just… I don't really… I don’t deal with them well, they-”

“Yeah, yeah, that's fine. You want to jump on video chat instead, or…?”

“I'm supposed to limit computer time for a while… because of my concussion… in case I give myself a migraine or something.”

“Texting okay?”

“...I think so.”

“Cool.” Jared hung up.

*****

_ JaredK: so _

_             u were in the hospital _

_ Tree Boy: I was _

_ JaredK: hows bein out _

_             of the hospital _

_ Tree Boy: It’s fine, I guess _

_                I've only been home for like _

_                10 minutes _

_ JaredK: tru _

_             u resting _

_             they said u should _

_             overnight stay &bedrest  _

_ Tree Boy: I’m couch-resting, if that counts _

_                … _

_                Why do you care? _

_                I'm so sorry _

_                I bet that sounded so rude oh my god _

_                pleasedonthateme _

_ JaredK: ev chill _

_             ur good _

_ Tree Boy: thankyou _

_ JaredK: u were just in the hospital tho _

_              &super out of it last time i saw u _

_             i mightve been a lil worried _

_             dont tell any1 _

_ Tree Boy: I’m okay _

_                Promise _

_                I'm glad I know that that’s a joke now _

_                That you don't actually hate me and stuff _

_                It helps _

_ JaredK: ofc i dont hate u _

_             im just an ass dude _

_             srry i never made it clearer or whatev _

_ Tree Boy: You aren't an ass _

_                … _

_                Okay you're kind of an ass _

_                If I'm being honest we’re both kind of asses _

_ JaredK: idk if i like Honest Ev _

_ Tree Boy: But I think we’re both also trying _

_                And that's enough, you know? _

_ JaredK: wow gay _

_ Tree Boy: Jared aren’t you gay? _

_ JaredK: i am _

_             thats how i know _

_             worlds leading expert on Gay Shit _

_ Tree Boy: *laughing emoji* _

_                Alana might have beat you for that title _

_ JaredK: oh ev u truly know nothing _

_             Gay Shit and Lesbian Shit are totally separate _

_             as are Bi and Trans Shit _

_             besides lans and i have solidarity dont u try to pit us against each other _

_             ….. _

_             hey speaking of Gay Shit _

_ Tree Boy: Last night? _

_ JaredK: yee _

_             theres some stuff im curious abt _

_ Tree Boy: When I have bad dreams I need to hold stuff _

_                To help me sleep _

_                There wasn't really anything but you nearby so _

_                Also sleeping in chairs sucks especially when you're positioned weird so I just _

_                I wanted you to be comfortable _

_                It was weird and I'm sorry _

_ JaredK: it wasnt weird dude it was fine _

_ Tree Boy: Can we talk about this later? _

_ JaredK: ev _

_ Tree Boy: I just _

_                I have to go _

_ JaredK: evan  _

_ Tree Boy: I have to go _

_ ***** _

Evan pulled in a sharp breath and let it out slowly. He could see his message notifications still going off, so he put his phone on sleep mode. This wasn't something he could talk about over text. He needed to be able to see Jared’s face. He needed to be able to read him every conceivable way for this conversation.

“Honey?” A voice came from way too close.

He jumped, realizing the voice was his mother’s, who was sitting beside him on the couch. However long she had been he didn't know, but she was there now.

“Are you alright?” She asked. “Here, why don't you lie down? Rest for a bit. I can go pick up tacos for us.”

She stood up and passed him the throw pillow, which he'd dropped on the floor. Evan didn't protest. He propped the pillow up on the side of the armrest and lay on his back. He stared up at the ceiling, studying the cracks in the paint intently. Heidi leaned down and kissed his forehead. She slipped out the door quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emotions are confusing, especially when you're mean and gay. 
> 
> I really like writing texting bits. It's super fun.
> 
> Thank you for reading! <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn't deserve to be forgiven, didn't deserve to have friends, didn't deserve to have anyone care about him at all.
> 
> What he deserved was to be forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I re-called this chapter to make last minute revisions on the second half whoops

“What’s on your mind, Evan?” Dr. Sherman asked, sounding almost as if he genuinely wanted to know and wasn't just being paid to care.  
  
Evan chewed on his knuckle. He tried to ignore the ghostly image of Connor hanging over him, quiet, but very much still there. He’d fallen asleep on the couch the night before. His mother had left his dinner in the fridge and he’d had it cold for breakfast instead. He'd stared at his phone for a long time, knowing there’d be tons of unread messages. He couldn't bring himself to turn it back on. Other than that the morning was hazy. He was hazy right now. He tried to focus, grinding his teeth against the skin of his knuckle. He could feel it. It was real.  
  
“Not a lot,” Evan confessed. “Or maybe too much. I'm not really sure.”  
  
 **Too much.**  
  
“What are you thinking about right now? This very second?”  
  
“I’m…” Evan gnawed harder on his knuckle. He couldn't tell if he was tasting blood or not. “I'm trying not to zone out. That's what most of my focus is on.”  
  
“Is chewing on your finger helping at all?” Evan shrugged. “Say what's on your mind, Evan, I can't read it.”  
  
“Yes. It’s helping. I can feel it, which means that it’s real.” Evan snipped.  
  
Dr. Sherman sighed. “I'm here to help you, Evan. You have to let me.”  
  
“I just don't like being talked down to, that's all. I'm almost old enough to vote, you shouldn't… you shouldn't talk to me like I'm a child.”  
  
That was definitely blood. Evan’s head started to buzz and fog up. He felt his leg bounce up and down at high speed. His hand started to shake.  
  
In, 2, 3, 4, out, 2, 3, 4… In, 2, 3, 4, out, 2, 3, 4…  
  
“Evan, are you with me?” Dr. Sherman asked, leaning forward.  
  
“I’m fine, I'm fine,” Evan lied. He clenched his fist, trying to get it to stop shaking.  
  
“Don't lie, Evan, we've talked about this. Lies don't help you. If you need a minute to breathe, take it, please .”  
  
“...Okay,”  
  
Evan squeezed his eyes shut and focused on his breathing. He pulled his hand out of his mouth and counted softly to himself. Once the buzzing in his head quieted he opened his eyes and wiped at the blood dripping down his finger. It pooled over his thumbnail. He curled his hand into the hem of his shirt. He watched the blood soak into the fabric. One more deep breath in and out, and he could focus again.  
  
“Okay,” He looked back at Dr. Sherman. “I'm actually fine now.”  
  
“Good. Remember to take those minutes when you need them. Now,” Dr. Sherman turned a page on his clipboard. “let's talk about these memory gaps.”  
  
 **You’re losing it, Hansen.**  
  
Evan clenched his teeth for a second, then relaxed. “I, um… well, it started about… about a month ago, I think. After New Year’s, when we got back to school. Zoe came to me… she said she forgave me for everything, she wanted to start over, forget the whole thing, be friends, like none of it… like it never even happened.” Evan sniffed. “Alana came to me, too, and we talked about how… how messed up it all was, how we both made mistakes, how the only way for anything to change was to… was to move past it and… forget about it.”  
  
“Forgetting doesn't solve anything,” Dr. Sherman muttered to himself. Something he'd told Evan multiple times.  
  
“I’m glad they forgave me, I am, but I don't think… I just don't feel like I deserve it, at least not so fast. Not from Zoe. I wasn’t… I wasn't good to her like I could've been, like I should've been, and I know… I know she knows that I just wish she’d… She shouldn't be so good to me, I don't deserve it. I feel like she believes I'm better than I am. I can't disappoint her, not now…”  
  
Evan stopped. He trailed off, unsure where else to go. He'd surprised himself with all of that, not entirely sure where it all came from. Verbalizing it all, though, he could feel things slowly start to click into place.  
  
“Anyway, I started getting hazy and forgetting things pretty soon after… after that.”  
  
 **She shouldn't have forgiven you at all, if you ask me. Nobody should have.**  
  
Connor hung his head back, empty eyes locked accusingly with Evan’s. He nodded, almost mockingly. Evan found himself nodding along with him.  
  
Dr. Sherman scribbled on his clipboard. “I think I know what the problem is.”  
  
*****  
  
Evan had always been prone to dissociation. Anxiety is commonplace for many people who dissociate. For whatever reason, it had never been much of a problem until now. Recent overloads of stress and paranoia were the main cause, apparently. Which was surprising, given that things had been improving lately, but Dr. Sherman had chalked it up to too much worrying that he didn't deserve it all. He didn't deserve to be forgiven, didn't deserve to have friends, didn't deserve to have anyone care about him at all.  
  
What he deserved was to be forgotten.  
  
He’d been given a new prescription, an updated session schedule, and instruction to take every precaution to keep himself grounded when he felt himself starting to dissociate. They would be working on everything gradually from there.  
  
“I'm proud of you, honey.” His mother was saying. “You really opened up! This is progress!”  
  
“I just… got a grasp on it and got going and didn't… didn't stop until I lost it.” Evan shrugged.  
  
“This is a great step forward. New breakthroughs, new meds… I think this is really going to be good for you.”  
  
Evan leaned against Heidi’s shoulder. She wrapped her arm around him and kissed the side of his head. She worked to unlock the front door while simultaneously digging in her purse for Evan’s new prescription. Evan cleared his throat and held out his hand. Heidi smiled and handed him her keys, letting him unlock the door instead. She stepped inside, dug out the bottle, and traded it for the keys.  
  
“Bring me your old one, I'll keep it up on top of the fridge just in case.”  
  
Evan obliged. He went to his room and switched out the new for the old.  
  
“Good riddance,” He muttered, clenching the old bottle in his fist.  
  
He still wasn't keen on the idea of taking drugs at all, but a change was nice, at least. Something different that might actually help. He sat down on the couch and pulled out his phone before remembering it was still shut off.  
  
“Oh, I almost forgot,” Heidi called from the kitchen. “Jared called me earlier. Said you haven't been reading your messages or something, which is weird because you’re always good about texting back. He was worried something happened to you.”  
  
“Yeah…”  
  
“I told him you were okay, probably just overwhelmed. He said he might stop by later. He wants to see you.”  
  
“He does?” Evan glanced down at his phone.  
  
Heidi emerged from the kitchen and sat down.  
  
“Why wouldn't he? Did something happen? I thought you told me he apologized.”

“N-no, he did! It's not… it's not about that. It’s weird.” Evan rubbed his thumb over the nail of his middle finger. “We’re always weird.”

What kind of  _ normal _ best friends argue every other week? What kind of normal best friend sneaks to the other’s house in the middle of the night because he can't trust himself alone? What kind of normal best friend bombshells his lowest point and then cries himself to sleep in the other’s lap? And what kind of best friend blurts that very same lowest point in the middle of a hospital room weeks later because he was  _ scared _ ?

“He cares about you a lot.” Heidi mused.

“He shouldn’t,” Evan muttered.

“Don't say that.” Heidi grabbed her son’s hand. He’d wrapped up his fingers haphazardly. “I care about you, too. Don't you _dare_ say that.”

“Sorry.”

“Whatever it is, you'll work it out. You always do.”

Heidi ruffled Evan’s hair and stood again, heading back for the kitchen. Evan brought his phone out of sleep mode. 27 unread messages.

**Damn.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Resolution soon? Resolution soon. See this is different from the thing in the hospital because in this case neither one did anything WRONG. Evan's just confused and uncomfortable and Jared's too gay to function.  
> Alana and Zoe return from the war soon!
> 
> Thank you for reading!!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m about to say some real embarrassing shit, Hansen, so you’d better not interrupt me, okay?”

Evan didn't like group chats. So many people trying to talk all at once, trying to get his own thoughts out before the subject changed, and all the constant notifications stressed him out, so he usually kept the “Salt Squad” (name courtesy of Zoe) group chat on mute. But based off his 27 missed messages, 21 of which were from Jared, ending in panicked caps at his lack of response and prompting worry from Alana and Zoe, switching between three private messages would be an absolute nightmare. The group chat was the easiest option he had, so he’d take it.

*****

_ EvanH: Hey guys _

_             I'm fine _

_             I had my phone off _

_ ZoZo: He returns!!!! _

_          See I told u guys he was fine _

_          I told them u were fine _

_          Not answering for a few hours doesnt mean ur dead _

_ Alana: Jared worrying made me worry! _

_           He rubs off on me too easily _

_           Evan I'm glad ur back _

_ EvanH: Thank you _

_ Insanely Cool: oh sure blame me _

_                        over 12 hours! nothing! not even left on read!! _

_                        tree boy doesnt do stuff like that forgive me for worrying _

_ EvanH: Hi Jared _

_ Insanely Cool: welcome back asshole _

_                        i had to call ur mom to get the 411 _

_                        make sure u werent dead or whatev _

_ ZoZo: I told u he wasnt dead!! _

_ EvanH: I turned my phone off _

_             I would've turned it back on sooner but I had therapy _

_ ZoZo: I thought ur therapy was on tuesdays? _

_          Its sunday _

_ EvanH: It’s Tuesdays and Fridays now _

_             I just needed an appointment today _

_             For stuff _

_ ZoZo: Oh ok _

_ Insanely Cool: “stuff” he says _

_ Alana: How are you doing Evan? _

_ EvanH: I'm fine _

_            Thank you again for the bamboo _

_            I really love it _

_ Alana: Of course! _

_ ZoZo: *thumbs-up emoji* _

_ EvanH: And Jared thanks for staying with me _

_ Insanely Cool: sure _

_ EvanH: Hey Jared, um _

_             Did you want to come over? _

_             I do want to talk about the thing, but I’d rather do it in person? _

_             If that's okay _

_ ZoZo: The thing? _

_ Alana: Omg the thing _

_ Insanely Cool: yeah _

_                        i was actually just abt to drop by funny enough _

_                        ur mom said i could so _

_                        …. _

_                        ok im in the car now i g2g _

_ Alana: Be safe! _

_ Insanely Cool: ok see now im gonna drive into a ditch just bc u said that _

_ ZoZo: Dont do that then shell feel guilty for ur death _

_ Insanely Cool: i live and die for spite murphy _

_                        ok im actually going now _

_                        ill be there in like 15 ev _

*****

Evan threw the door open seconds after Jared knocked. He stepped aside and let Jared in, mouth open, about to speak. Jared held up a hand and Evan swallowed his thoughts.

“I’ve been practicing in my head for like, 12 hours. If you talk first I’m gonna lose all my hard work.” 

“...Okay.” Evan nodded. “You go, then.” 

“I’m about to say some real embarrassing shit, Hansen, so you’d better not interrupt me, okay?”

“I won’t. Just go.” 

Jared breathed in. “I’m not a ‘no homo’ kind of guy, Ev. I'm more ‘infinite homo’, really. We used to hold hands when we were field trip buddies in elementary school. When we weren’t buddies, too, so they’d make us buddies and we wouldn’t be split up because I didn't like anyone else in the class and you’d have an aneurysm if you were put with anyone but me. Y’know, we held hands a  _ lot _ , actually, now that I think about it. Anyway…” He coughed. “That kind of stuff between bros isn’t weird to me, especially not with  _ us  _ because… we’re just  _ like that  _ anyway and I… I kind of have a lot of feelings about you? God, this all sounded so much less stupid in my head.”

“You don’t sound stupid,” Evan said quietly. 

“What I mean is… I didn’t mind sleeping with you the other night, I liked it a lot, actually, and I kind of want to do it again, and I want to hold your hand again and kiss you and shit because  _ god,  _ I’m so gay, Evan, and I’m so fucking in love with you.” 

Jared felt his face grow hot. His heart was pounding and his fingers were scraping against the denim stitching inside his pockets and he was trying really hard to hide how nervous he was. It turned out practicing in your head didn’t matter, at least not when you’re as inarticulate as Jared. The most poetic, romantic bullshit he could possibly think of would still come out sounding desperate and dickish. He stared up at Evan, who stood stock-still, hands clenched in the fabric of his shirt, mouth hanging open just slightly and eyes gazing right through Jared. 

He watched Evan’s eyes flit around, his hands come back to life and twist themselves in and out of his shirt, the corners of his mouth shift unreadably until they turned up into an odd smile. Evan shot his gaze back to Jared, his smile wide and unnatural, the small, building laugh in the back of his throat full of self-hatred.

“You’re lying,” His voice was shaky, but dripped venom. “This is… this is one of those jokes, like the girls used to play on us in middle school, you… you’re making fun of me!”

Jared’s chest seized.

“Evan, I’m not, I-” He stumbled, reaching forward, but Evan stepped back.

“No, no, I get it, I’m… I’m so fun to mess with, aren’t I, Jared? I’m always  _ so fun _ to mess with, I come to you for comfort because I  _ trust  _ you and I  _ shouldn’t _ , and you know I shouldn’t, so you figure why not screw me over, one after the other, right? Right, Jared?” 

“I,” Jared’s breath caught in his throat. 

“‘I’m going to tell  _ everyone  _ he wanted to kill himself, then trick him into thinking I actually  _ care  _ and use his vulnerability against him, oh, wouldn’t that be so  _ funny?’ _ I’m… I’m such a  _ joke  _ to you...” 

Evan pushed a hand through his hair, the other still twisted into the hem of his shirt. Jared noticed the small bloodstain and made a quick connection with the bandage around his fingers.

“Who are you talking to?” Heidi called from another room. “Is that Jared?” 

Neither boy answered. Evan scrubbed at his eyes harshly.

“I’m not…” Jared tried again. “I’m not making fun of you.”

“I know your standards aren’t this low, Jared,” Evan muttered. He glanced up at an empty space beside him and seemed to swat at the air angrily. 

Jared wanted to dropkick himself. He should have seen this coming, it was just what he deserved. How could he possibly have expected any different? A collective week,  _ maybe,  _ of being a good friend over ten years, and Evan was going to actually believe him? He knew better than that. They both did. 

“Evan-” 

“You were in a pretty big hurry to get out of the bed. Like it was on  _ fire, _ ” Evan scratched his nose. “If you really-”

“I thought I was dreaming.”

“What?”

“I didn’t think it was real. I never thought I’d… When I woke up and you were  _ there  _ and it was  _ real… _ I panicked, which is so fucking stupid, and I regretted it as soon as I was on the floor, but I thought you’d want the space back, so…” 

Jared stared at his feet, flushed. Evan softened, his guard falling away. He could still hear Connor’s voice in the back of his head, but it was quieting. He stepped closer to Jared, looking in his eyes. Brown leaked into green, gentle and inviting. Evan lost himself a little bit. He pulled himself back. Jared glanced up and their eyes met, and somehow Evan could feel that Jared was being genuine. He edged closer, just slightly.

“You’re being serious?” He asked softly.

“Ridiculously serious.” Jared nodded.

“You  _ love  _ me?” 

“I have for like, a  _ stupid  _ long time.” Jared didn’t think his face could get any hotter. “And if that makes things weird, I’m sorry, I hope you don’t think you need to like… go out with me or whatever just because-”

“N-no, no, it’s not weird at all,  _ thank you, _ I'm, um… I actually might… I think… um… well, I need to think, but it isn’t weird. I’m going to feel awkward if we don’t hug, though, so I’m going to hug you.”

Jared nodded and opened his arms. Evan wrapped him up tight and buried his face in the shorter boy’s shoulder. Jared hugged back, feeling his heartbeat quicken and his knees shake under him. Heidi rounded the corner then and waved, grinning.

“I knew that was Jared.” She approached the boys, who broke apart. Jared held onto Evan’s shoulder to keep from falling. “You want something to eat? I was going to make dinner soon, you could stay if you like…”

“I should probably head home, actually, I haven’t done any of my homework yet.” Jared said with a guilty shrug. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Ev?”

“Tomorrow, yeah.” Evan glanced at his mother for confirmation, who nodded. 

“I’ll get you over for dinner soon.” Heidi promised.

“I’ll hold you to that, Ms. Hansen.” 

Jared slipped out the door, pulling it shut behind him. Evan stood in the entryway, warm and a little bit tingly from the embrace. His mind raced, but somehow kept pausing on Jared’s eyes. His grin. The way his chest filled when they hugged. He shook himself.

“Mom?” He said, stopping Heidi on her way towards the kitchen.

“Yeah, honey?”

“I might be in love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo!! Okay I don't really have anything to say for this note except I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I did writing it - I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part of Evan knew exactly what it was, but the other part of him was too afraid to put a definitive label on those kinds of feelings. All he could admit for sure was that he wanted Jared’s arms around him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY HEY GUYS PLEASE READ THIS NOTE UM I wanted to take a quick second to sincerely apologize for the way I’ve been managing this story?? I post chapters and then delete them hours or sometimes DAYS later to rewrite them… I did that this time with the last two chapters because I’m a complete trainwreck when it comes to story planning. I swear I have an actual plan for this, I’m just incredibly disorganized and expect myself to be able to keep track of it all in my head when I know I can’t actually do that. This is my final last-minute rewrite, though, no more deleting and rewriting, I SWEAR. I’ve been legitimately laying out my plans and I’m going to give myself more time in between updates to make complete sure I actually like the chapter I’m about to post so this is the last time this is going to happen.
> 
> Again, I’m so sorry for my complete lack of organization. Thank you for sticking with me, and I hope you enjoy this upgrade!!

_  
__“I should just go home, I… I’m sorry.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“No! No, don’t. Dude, sit down. You can stay.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _Jared patted the space beside him on his bed. Evan stopped at the door. His shoulders were hunched, his eyes tired and turned down. He hadn’t looked up once since he’d gotten there. He rubbed his hands together and returned to Jared’s side, slowly. Hesitantly. He sat down and Jared reached for his arm questioningly, only completing the motion when Evan edged slightly closer._ _  
_ _  
_ _“I’m sorry,” Evan said again._ _  
_ _  
_ _“What’s going on?” Jared asked._ _  
_ _  
_ _“I just couldn’t be alone tonight, I don’t… I don’t trust myself right now.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _Evan pulled his legs up off the floor and into his chest. He laid his head on Jared’s shoulder. Jared felt his heartbeat kick up and he closed his arms around Evan, holding the other boy in a cautious, uncertain embrace. He rubbed Evan’s back in slow circles and pressed his cheek against the top of his head._ _  
_ _  
_ _“I’ve got you, dude, you aren’t alone.” He promised. “You wanna… talk about it, or something? I could try to help…?”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“You’ll hate me. I know you will, you’ll… you’ll never forgive me.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“I’m not gonna hate you.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“I’m sorry, Jared, I’m… I’m so sorry…” Evan started to shake._ _  
_ _  
_ _“It’s okay, Ev, I’ve got you.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _Jared made a point of breathing deep, in and out, prompting Evan to follow him. Evan was kind of shocked at how safe he suddenly felt. This was the safest he’d ever felt with anyone who wasn’t his mother, and he was with_ Jared _. Something about that didn’t make sense. Whether it did or not, though, Evan wasn’t in the position to reject the warm feeling filling his chest. So instead he curled up tight into Jared’s embrace and followed his breathing until eventually, surprisingly, somehow, he felt like talking._ _  
_ _  
_ _He let it all spill out. He probably shouldn’t have, but he did. And Jared was there the whole time and he didn’t leave or yell or anything. He just stayed, holding Evan, repeating over and over that he was there and it was all okay, and when Evan started crying he might have been crying, too._ _  
_ _  
_ _Evan woke up alone the next morning, but that warm feeling still filled his chest._ _  
_ _  
_ _*****_ _  
_ _  
_Evan lay on his bed, burrowed under the covers, the bottom half of his face buried and muffled into his pillow. His arms wrapped around the pillow to make up for how cuddly he was feeling. The same warmth from that night weeks ago was spreading all throughout him tonight. His eyes fell shut momentarily and he could picture Jared. A flutter awoke deep in his stomach and he stuffed his face further into his pillow, grinning to himself. _  
_ _  
_ _He loves me…_ _  
_  
Things were starting to click into place. Jared’s sudden decision to distance himself all those years ago seemingly out of nowhere made much more sense now - he said he’d had feelings for Evan for a stupid long time. They must have started around then. The sarcastic flirting that was apparently entirely serious, his subtle shift in behavior after they’d made up, how he’d gotten more and more casually touchy, as though he was trying to hint at something. _  
_ _  
_Evan felt sort of stupid for not picking up on it sooner. Almost as stupid as he felt for not picking up on the way he felt himself. _  
_ _  
_Of all people he’d gone to Jared that night. He hadn’t even thought of going to anyone else. Not Alana, not Zoe, not even trying to call his mother. He’d thought of Jared and not even hesitated. And after that night every time Jared touched him, even just an accidental brush of the hand, that same warmth would come back. It had been there the night in the hospital, too, he realized. _  
_ _  
_Part of Evan knew exactly what it was, but the other part of him was too afraid to put a definitive label on those kinds of feelings. All he could admit for sure was that he wanted Jared’s arms around him again. _  
_ _  
_ **You’ve got it bad.** _  
_ _  
_Evan turned against the pillow. Connor floated beside him, head dangling back, hair drifting up around his face. _  
_ _  
_ **You know it could very well still be a lie. You can’t say you'd be surprised.** _  
_ _  
_ _Jared and I don’t… we don’t lie to each other like that anymore. I’m different now and so is he, we’re… We’re different._ _  
_ _  
_ **I know you don’t really believe that. You’ve** **_barely_** **changed.** _  
_ _  
_ _Yes I have._ _  
_ _  
_ **Really? Have you?** _  
_ _  
_ _I… I have._ _  
_ _  
_ **Then** **_why am I still here?_** **Huh? Why am I still here, Evan? If you’ve changed so much, why haven’t you gotten rid of me yet?** _  
_ _  
_ _You… you’re…_ _  
_ _  
_ **I’m the only one who tells you the truth. You can lie to yourself as much as you want, but at the end of the day I’m always still here.** _  
_ _  
_ _He said he wasn’t lying._ _  
_ __  
 **Believe whatever you want to, Evan. You know what’s true.**

__   
Evan squeezed his eyes shut and grabbed for the extra pillow beside him, which he pulled over his head, sandwiching himself between both cushions. He felt around his bedside table blindly until his fingers closed around his phone. He fumbled to wake it up, squinting against the light shining into his eyes, and opened his messages. __   
_   
_ __ *****

__   
_ EvanH: Jared are you awake? _ __   
__   
_ Insanely Cool: 2 cool 4 sleep _ __   
_                       sup _ __   
__   
_ EvanH: Hahaha _ __   
_            I can’t sleep _ __   
_            Can I text you until I can?  _ _   
_ __            Is that okay?

__   
_ Insanely Cool: thats always ok _ __   
_                       ur free to sneak over again too if u want lmao _ __   
__   
_ EvanH: I was actually thinking about that _ __   
_           That night, not actually coming over _ __   
_           Not that I wouldn't want to!! _ __   
_           I’m comfortable in bed and I don't want to get up _ __   
__   
_ Insanely Cool: ev ur so cute _ __   
_                       ilysm _ __   
__   
_ EvanH: fdyfvhhgdf _ __   
_            Shut up!! _ __   
__   
_ Insanely Cool: ill never shut up _ __   
_                       ur cute n i can say it to ur face now _ __   
_                       so im never gonna stop _ __   
_   
_ __ EvanH: Jared!!!

__   
_ Insanely Cool: evan!!! _ __   
__   
_ EvanH: Um _ __   
_            You’re cute too _ __   
__   
_ Insanely Cool: am i? _ __   
__   
_ EvanH: Yes _ __   
_            Your eyes are pretty and um _ __   
_            I like when you smile because the gap in your teeth is cute and you get this crinkle in your nose that's really _ __   
_            Really nice to look at? It's um perfect _ __   
_            And your laugh sounds kind of like those tiny jingle bells that little kids use at holiday concerts but nicer and hearing it makes me feel really wonderful _ __   
_            And I like hugging you  _ __   
_            You’re warm and soft and you make me feel safe _ __   
_            Writing this out is helping me understand it so thanks for letting me do that _ _   
_ __            But um yes you are cute

__   
_ Insanely Cool: ev holy shit _ __   
_                       holy  s h i t _ __   
_                       im way too gay for this _ __   
__   
_ EvanH: I'm sorry I'm really tired _ __   
__   
_ Insanely Cool: Go The Fuck To Sleep Hansen _ __   
__   
_ EvanH: I will! I feel better now so I think I can sleep _ __   
_            I'm absolutely going to regret all of that in the morning _ __   
__   
_ Insanely Cool: glad to be of service i guess?? _ _   
_ __                       go to sleep tho

__   
_ EvanH: Goodnight _ __   
__   
_ Insanely Cool: night _ _   
_ __                       ily

_   
_ _ ***** _

_   
_ Evan fell asleep fast after putting his phone back up. Connor wasn't there anymore, or at least if he was, Evan couldn't hear him.

Jared, on the other hand, rolled onto his back and let his arm hang off the edge of his bed. He stared up at the ceiling, his cheeks a crimson blush. __   
_   
_ __ He thinks I'm cute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes a whole chapter of Evan being Not Straight. I completely erased my last two updates for this, but it works better for how I want to progress and I honestly like it better.  
> One last time I'm sorry for that. I can't imagine how confusing and irritating this has to be.
> 
> Thank you again so much for reading! Hit me up in those comments with your thoughts! <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I don’t know how to handle it! I’ve never had to talk before being with someone, we didn’t… You and I didn’t really talk about it, we just kind of went for it and did the talking later. That’s how I’ve always been but I don’t… I can’t do that with Jared it wouldn’t end well, I know it wouldn’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I'm back! Sorry this chapter took so long, it was a little harder to write than I thought it would be.

“Jared!” Alana squealed, practically flinging herself at her friend once she spotted him the next morning. Her excited impact slammed them both into the wall of lockers.

“Woah! Good morning to you, too.” Jared scooted down the wall so the hinges of the lockers wouldn’t dig into his back.

Alana squeezed him again and pulled both of his hands up. She started bouncing on the balls of her feet. A teensy, high-pitched, continuous squeaking sound came from the back of her throat, a wide grin spreading over her face. Her eyes shined happily.

“I'm so proud of you!” She exclaimed. “You have to tell me everything! Did he cry? Did  _ you  _ cry? Did you  _ kiss _ ? Are you together now?”

Jared snorted. “One question at a time, Lans!” 

“Tell me  _ everything! _ ”

Jared pulled his hands from Alana’s and stuffed them in his pockets. “We didn't cry  _ or  _ kiss. Well, he almost cried. He thought I was messing with him at first, which kinda sucked but, y’know, I get it.”

“Oh, oh, Zoe thought the same thing when I confessed to her. Or no, not really, but she was very emotional. She cried, and she was afraid to-”

“Alana,” Jared held up a hand. “You've gotta let me finish, babe.”

“Oh, I'm sorry! I asked and then I cut you off! Continue, what else happened?”

“Well, we talked a bit, and he hugged me, and then later on he texted me and he, uh, he said I was  _ cute?  _ You’ve gotta check my pulse, Lans, ‘cause I might’ve died.” 

Alana gave Jared a gentle shove. “You are cute! In a completely platonic way, of course, but Evan has every right to say so!”

“I’m weak and gay,”

Jared leaned back, laying his head against the wall and shutting his eyes. Alana patted his shoulder. She turned from facing him to watch the hallways. Being unaware of her surroundings was something that tended to make her nervous. She continued her pats absentmindedly.

*****

“Zoe?” Evan sped up tentatively when he saw her in the hallway.

He brushed her arm gently when he caught up to her so she would notice him.

“Evan! Morning, hi!” Zoe waved. “You aren’t with Jared.”

“You aren’t with Alana,” Evan pointed out.

Zoe nodded. “That’s true, that’s true… It’s… it’s been a while since we’ve been together. Without anyone else.”

“Y-yeah, we… I think you’re the only one in our group that I don’t hang out with… one-on-one. Which isn’t anything against you! Of course, why would it be? If anything it’d be something against  _ me,  _ but I don’t see it that way, I think we both-”

“We don’t want it to be awkward?” Zoe cut in. Evan nodded. “We should really work on that.”

“Yeah,” Evan scratched at his nose. “Can I… can I ask you something?”

Zoe stopped and moved to the side of the hallway. Evan joined her.

“Shoot.” 

“What’d you do when Alana told you how she felt? How did you go from that?”

“Well, I… I got emotional, I remember, um… I cried a little bit, and I told her that I thought maybe I liked her, too, and she asked if it was okay that she kissed me so...”

A starry, far-off look glazed over Zoe’s eyes. The first time Alana kissed her was one of the most vivid, clear memories she allowed herself to have.

*****

“Can I kiss you?” Alana asked, leaning forward a bit. “Is that alright?” 

She’d  _ asked _ . That wasn’t something anyone had ever done before. Not her first kiss in the fifth grade, not Evan, nobody she’d dated before had ever  _ asked  _ if they could kiss her. It wasn’t that she especially minded, she knew how to handle being kissed when she didn’t want to be, but something about Alana leaned close to her, still leaving space between them as though she wanted to make it clear she didn’t  _ expect  _ anything, felt incredibly genuine. Zoe found herself starstruck.

She nodded.

“Yes,” She breathed. “You can.” 

So Alana did. Very softly, leaving her hands at her sides so only their lips touched. A tingle, a comfortable warmth awoke in Zoe’s chest. She leaned into the kiss and it began to spread through her body. Alana seemed surprised that she responded so quick, but she didn’t pull away, so Zoe assumed this was at least in the realm of what she wanted.

She searched blindly on the bed below her for Alana’s hand and took it, the other moving to hold behind Alana’s ear. Their fingers laced together, Alana bringing her other hand to lay on Zoe’s hip. 

Kissing had never been like this before - not for Zoe. Gentle and soft and slow, waiting for the cues before doing anything different. It felt like seamless communication, but no words were spoken. 

Alana was the one to stop it. She held eye contact, kept their hands together, but there was a look in her eyes that said she wanted a definitive conversation before they kissed again.

“What do you think?” 

“I think… I like you a lot. I know I do, actually.” Zoe said, tracing her thumb across the top of Alana’s hand. “This could work. We could be girlfriends.”

“That’s good, because I enjoyed that a lot and I was going to be  _ very  _ sad if we couldn’t do it again.” 

Alana giggled. Zoe did too, and pulled her back.

*****

“And…?” Evan asked, giving Zoe a soft nudge to pull her out of her flashback.

“And!” Zoe shook herself and turned her focus back to her friend. “And we, uh, we just went from there, really. There wasn’t a lot to it. Why?”

“You didn’t… you went straight into it? You didn’t need time to think or… or anything?” 

“I mean, I thought a little bit, while we were talking. It was just easy, it wasn’t like… like  _ us,  _ y’know? But again, dude, why? You weren’t the kind to take time to think when we were-”

“I already  _ knew  _ then! I didn’t need to think because I  _ knew  _ I loved you! And we moved fast and it was okay!” Evan’s erratic arm-waving cued Zoe to step back a bit and give the boy as much space as she could in a high school hallway. “I’m not good at  _ talking  _ about stuff, I’ve never… I’ve never  _ had _ to talk about that kind of thing!” 

“Evan,” Zoe reached to place a hand on Evan’s arm. 

He froze and pulled into himself slightly.

“I-I’m sorry… I’m sorry, I didn’t-”

“Evan, it’s okay.  _ Who  _ are you talking about?” 

“Jared,” 

“ _ Jared? _ ”

Evan nodded. “Jared. He’s… he loves me, and… and I might…”

“Wow. That’s… wow.”

“Yeah,” Evan’s arms had stopped waving and remained stiff at his sides, but his hands were flapping a bit by his hips. “I don’t know how to handle it! I’ve never had to  _ talk  _ before being with someone,  _ we _ didn’t… You and I didn’t really talk about it, we just kind of went for it and did the talking later. That’s how I’ve always been but I don’t… I can’t do that with Jared it wouldn’t end well, I know it wouldn’t.”

The hand-flapping got faster as he spoke. He noticed and quickly twisted his hands into the hem of his shirt. Zoe watched his posture grow more hunched. His eyes flitted around in all directions.

“Hey, hey,” She patted his arm. “It’s okay, I’m sure he gets it. You’ll work it out.” 

Suddenly the hallway seemed very stuffy. People kept coming a bit too close, and a group of girls made a point to bump Evan as they passed. His demeanor shifted even more, he pulled further into himself.

“But what if… what if he doesn’t? He said he’s felt like that for… for  _ years  _ and what if by the time I do figure it out he doesn’t… doesn’t feel it anymore, what if I miss my window and he hates me for it…” 

“Evan,” 

Zoe glanced around. Being closer to the first bell, the hallways had grown more crowded. The more people in a high school hallway the louder it was going to be, and the worse that was for anxiety. Zoe grabbed Evan’s arm and started pulling him for the door. She sat him on a bench right outside the school and didn’t let go of his arm.

“That better?” She asked.

“Better, yeah,” 

“Can I try to give you some advice? Ex to ex?”

“Please do.”

“You and Jared are  _ weird.  _ Your friendship doesn’t really make sense to me, but you’ve known each other for years, haven’t you? And somehow you don’t hate each other. I feel like that has to count for something, and if you see  _ any  _ good in being with him, you should give it a shot. And if he isn’t cool with you trying to take it slow, he’s an asshole, but really, it’s Jared and he’s an asshole either way.” 

Evan rubbed the back of his neck. 

“Yeah, that’s… you’re right.” 

“‘Course I am.” 

Evan laughed. Zoe gave him a soft nudge and another few pats on the arm. She still loved his laugh. Evan looked up and she was smiling. He still loved her smile. 

“You want to wait until the bell rings?” She asked, leaning her weight against his shoulder.

“That’d be… nice.” 

So they did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Give me healthy and happy Evan/Zoe friendship or give me death!!!!! I love gay/lesbian solidarity Jared and Alana but Evan and Zoe have gotta be Bi Buddies too I don't see friendship between them depicted enough.   
> Anyway! I'm glad this chapter's finally up, I hope you enjoyed it, and the next one should be very soon!!


End file.
